From the Book - First Edition.
Furiously happy, dangerously sad
I've found a kindred soul and he has a very healthy coat
My phone is more fun to hang out with than me
I have a sleep disorder and it's probably going to kill me or someone else
How many carbs are in a foot?
Pretend you're good at it
George Washington's dildo
I'm not psychotic. I just need to get in front of you in line.
Why would I want to do more when I'm already doing so well at nothing?
What I say to my shrink vs. what I mean
Skinterventions and Bangtox
It's like your pants are bragging at me
It's hard to tell which of us is mentally ill
I left my heart in San Francisco. (But replace "San Francisco" with "near the lemur house" and replace "heart" with a sad question mark.)
Stock up on snow globes. The zombie apocalypse is coming.
Appendix: an interview with the author
I'm turning into a zombie one organ at a time
Cats are selfish yawners and they're totally getting away with it
Koalas are full of chlamydia
The world needs to go on a diet. Literally.
An essay on parsley, wasabi, cream cheese, and soup
And then I got three dead cats in the mail
Things I may have accidentally said during uncomfortable silences
My skeleton is potaterrific
We're better than Galileo, because he's dead.
Things my father taught me
I'm going to die. Eventually.
And this is why I prefer to cut my own hair
It's all in how you look at it (the book of Nelda)
Well at least your nipples are covered
Death by swans is not a glamorous as you'd expect
These cookies know nothing of my work
It might be easier. But it wouldn't be better.
Epilogue: Deep in the trenches.